I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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