I need to stop coming to work sober
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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