We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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