When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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