I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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