I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
