I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit a glass in half.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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