Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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