So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
