You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
