So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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