what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
