So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Alive.
So much puke
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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