She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
