just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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