nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
