Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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