Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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