So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
