Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
