dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
