Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
