When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
