booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
