I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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