The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
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Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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