He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Randomize
