1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
