we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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