glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
