Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
