I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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