you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Who died my cat blue again?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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