i think i have two assholes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
