So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
