Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I FOUND THE LEGS