never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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