I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
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