I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
