So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Holy shit dude........stairs
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