If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
