I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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