last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
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Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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