I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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