seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
