Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
