your thong is hanging out like whoa
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
