i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
