I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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