totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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