you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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