I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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