I want to have your abortion
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My bed smells like the plague
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
