Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
how does that bad decision feel?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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