Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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